Tell him you really do believe the words of the wise woman who said, “Everyone does the best that he can do with the light he has to see by.” Then say, “But it must be pretty damn dark in his neck of the woods.
Beg him to think sometimes of his children grown, but still needing father’s funny bone, strong hand, sure presence, skill with construction who see him only when it suits her or even, with his daughter, never at all.
Remind him of stories that make no sense unless you two tell them together, laugh, remember the student long ago gone whose drunkenness you hid so he could stay, graduate, who just now called to say thanks.
Ask him if her palm fits as perfectly into that hollow between his raised ribs and the hard bone of pelvis where firm flesh stretches, making a hammock for your hand, where it lay peaceful but alive back then.
Offer him white feathers of forgiveness for you as much as for him, loosening the fist gripping lung, letting cool breath flow, wounded breast show, his thick hand go, last vow pure, open, phoenix-winged flower of snow.
Now that you have all of your counting done, and have your poem close to completion, I'm going to do a trick - I am going to delete words and I ask that you fill them with something new, while keeping the same syllable count. For example:
"Tell him you really do believe the words" would become "Tell him ________ the words" and then you might replace the original words with "Tell him you have eaten all of the words"
Got it?
It's how I revise when I see that I have created filler and have not allowed newer images to join the dance. So here goes:
of the wise woman who ______, “Everyone _____________________ with the light he has to ______.” Then say, “But it must be ______ dark in his neck of the woods.
Beg him to think _______ of his children grown, but still needing father’s funny bone, strong hand, sure presence, skill with construction who see him only when _______ or even, with his daughter, never at all.
Remind him of stories that ___________ unless _________ together, laugh, remember the student long ago gone whose drunkenness you hid so he could stay, graduate, who just now called to say thanks.
Ask him if her palm fits as perfectly into that hollow between his ______ ribs and the _____ bone of pelvis where _____ flesh stretches, making a hammock for your hand, where it lay peaceful but alive back then.
Offer him _________of forgiveness for you as much as for him, loosening the fist gripping lung, letting cool breath flow, wounded breast show, his thick hand go, last vow pure, open, phoenix-winged _____________.
Okay (this is my third time writing this because I apparently have developed password dementia). I really, really liked this exercise because it gave a whole new way of looking at and thinking about the poem and made the possibilities for revision limitless (I also hated it for exactly the same reason). I am wondering how you decided where to/which words to omit. Here is version two:
How to Fix Your Ex-Husband
a 5-10-5 poem by Ruth
Tell him to scour the wind seeking the words of the wise woman who sighed, “Everyone kills his own mother and fights for the light he has to live in.” Then say, “But it must be black feather dark in his neck of the woods.”
Beg him to shout the names of his children grown, but still needing father’s funny bone, strong hand, sure presence, skill with construction who see him only when planets collide, even, with his daughter, never at all.
Remind him of stories that drift graveless unless braided, held in time’s orange beak: remember the student long ago gone whose drunkenness you hid so he could stay, graduate, who just now called to say thanks.
Ask him if her palm fits as perfectly into that hollow between his winged ribs and the nest bone of pelvis where pale flesh stretches, making a hammock for your hand, where it lay peaceful but alive back then.
Offer him five clean seeds of forgiveness for you as much as for him, loosening the fist gripping lung, letting cool breath flow, wounded breast show, his thick hand go, last vow pure, open, phoenix-winged leftover crow.
I am still not happy (at all) with that word "pale" in stanza four, and the final image seems less than beautiful/happy. But, I don't know, things end less than beautifully or happily for real, right?
Gently settle down into your heartspace feel the glow permeate your awareness watch your own emotions rise, blow away release the need to control everything now release the need to be understood
Gently settle down into your heartspace beginners mind will serve you well today can you look in the mirror and love you? let judgment evaporate bit by bit you avoid giving power to your wounds
Gently settle down into your heartspace joy, a seedling, brings strength and compassion a simple surrender means everything old patterns beckon, draw blood and remorse you set yourself straight again and again
Gently settle down into your heartspace notice new peace, more space, spice and laughter old issues breathe and look small in the light trust gathers, airborne, unformed and waiting east forgiveness; right doesn’t matter
Gently settle down into your heartspace you begin to see, really see this soul you have heaped blame, guilt and anger upon and when you look in their eyes from your peace your choice to fix from within brings magic
Thank you for this, Laura! I'm going to do the same thing with your piece as I did to Ruth's above. I'm going to take away words and ask that you "refill" them with something else. But before I do that, I'm going to ask that you do an imagery exercise that might help you come up with striking details:
Create three columns on a piece of paper. In Column One, write down twenty-five inanimate objects.
Column Two: write down the first animal that comes to mind when you think of the object in Column One. (Consider shape, movement, sound. A bullet is about the size of a cockroach, or it moves swift, like a shark or digs through skin, like a mosquito.)
Column Three: sounds or actions that animal makes.
Once you’ve completed all three rows, omit Column Two, and use Column Three to help give your objects character.
The woman gripped her screeching wine glass as her husband’s eyes crawled across the cleavage in the room.
_ _ _ _
Now for the erasures:
_____________ into your heartspace feel the glow __________ awareness watch your ____ emotions ____, __________ _____ the need to control everything now release the need to be understood
Gently settle down into your heartspace beginners mind will serve you well today can you ____ the mirror and ___ you? let judgment ______________ you avoid giving power to your wounds
Gently settle down into your heartspace joy, a seedling, _______________________ a simple surrender means everything old patterns beckon, draw blood and remorse you set yourself straight again and again
Gently settle down into your heartspace ______________________________ laughter old issues breathe and look small in the light trust gathers, airborne, unformed and waiting east forgiveness; right doesn’t matter
Gently settle down into your heartspace you begin to see, _________________ you have heaped blame, guilt and anger upon and when you ______________from your peace your choice to ____________ magic
Laura, you have many great moments in this peace. If you want, consider breaking the form so you can write whatever you want. Well done!
How to Fix Your Ex-Husband
ReplyDeletea 5-10-5 poem
by Ruth
Tell him you really do believe the words
of the wise woman who said, “Everyone
does the best that he can do with the light
he has to see by.” Then say, “But it must be
pretty damn dark in his neck of the woods.
Beg him to think sometimes of his children
grown, but still needing father’s funny bone,
strong hand, sure presence, skill with construction
who see him only when it suits her or
even, with his daughter, never at all.
Remind him of stories that make no sense
unless you two tell them together, laugh,
remember the student long ago gone
whose drunkenness you hid so he could stay,
graduate, who just now called to say thanks.
Ask him if her palm fits as perfectly
into that hollow between his raised ribs
and the hard bone of pelvis where firm flesh
stretches, making a hammock for your hand,
where it lay peaceful but alive back then.
Offer him white feathers of forgiveness
for you as much as for him, loosening
the fist gripping lung, letting cool breath flow,
wounded breast show, his thick hand go, last vow
pure, open, phoenix-winged flower of snow.
Ruth! You are a writing machine!
DeleteNow that you have all of your counting done, and have your poem close to completion, I'm going to do a trick - I am going to delete words and I ask that you fill them with something new, while keeping the same syllable count. For example:
"Tell him you really do believe the words" would become "Tell him ________ the words" and then you might replace the original words with "Tell him you have eaten all of the words"
Got it?
It's how I revise when I see that I have created filler and have not allowed newer images to join the dance. So here goes:
of the wise woman who ______, “Everyone
_____________________ with the light
he has to ______.” Then say, “But it must be
______ dark in his neck of the woods.
Beg him to think _______ of his children
grown, but still needing father’s funny bone,
strong hand, sure presence, skill with construction
who see him only when _______ or
even, with his daughter, never at all.
Remind him of stories that ___________
unless _________ together, laugh,
remember the student long ago gone
whose drunkenness you hid so he could stay,
graduate, who just now called to say thanks.
Ask him if her palm fits as perfectly
into that hollow between his ______ ribs
and the _____ bone of pelvis where _____ flesh
stretches, making a hammock for your hand,
where it lay peaceful but alive back then.
Offer him _________of forgiveness
for you as much as for him, loosening
the fist gripping lung, letting cool breath flow,
wounded breast show, his thick hand go, last vow
pure, open, phoenix-winged _____________.
Okay (this is my third time writing this because I apparently have developed password dementia). I really, really liked this exercise because it gave a whole new way of looking at and thinking about the poem and made the possibilities for revision limitless (I also hated it for exactly the same reason). I am wondering how you decided where to/which words to omit.
DeleteHere is version two:
How to Fix Your Ex-Husband
a 5-10-5 poem
by Ruth
Tell him to scour the wind seeking the words
of the wise woman who sighed, “Everyone
kills his own mother and fights for the light
he has to live in.” Then say, “But it must be
black feather dark in his neck of the woods.”
Beg him to shout the names of his children
grown, but still needing father’s funny bone,
strong hand, sure presence, skill with construction
who see him only when planets collide,
even, with his daughter, never at all.
Remind him of stories that drift graveless
unless braided, held in time’s orange beak:
remember the student long ago gone
whose drunkenness you hid so he could stay,
graduate, who just now called to say thanks.
Ask him if her palm fits as perfectly
into that hollow between his winged ribs
and the nest bone of pelvis where pale flesh
stretches, making a hammock for your hand,
where it lay peaceful but alive back then.
Offer him five clean seeds of forgiveness
for you as much as for him, loosening
the fist gripping lung, letting cool breath flow,
wounded breast show, his thick hand go, last vow
pure, open, phoenix-winged leftover crow.
I am still not happy (at all) with that word "pale" in stanza four, and the final image seems less than beautiful/happy. But, I don't know, things end less than beautifully or happily for real, right?
and just for the record, this final time, after resetting my password, etc., it published without it.
DeleteWeek 5
ReplyDeleteHow to fix your partner
Laura Hull
Gently settle down into your heartspace
feel the glow permeate your awareness
watch your own emotions rise, blow away
release the need to control everything
now release the need to be understood
Gently settle down into your heartspace
beginners mind will serve you well today
can you look in the mirror and love you?
let judgment evaporate bit by bit
you avoid giving power to your wounds
Gently settle down into your heartspace
joy, a seedling, brings strength and compassion
a simple surrender means everything
old patterns beckon, draw blood and remorse
you set yourself straight again and again
Gently settle down into your heartspace
notice new peace, more space, spice and laughter
old issues breathe and look small in the light
trust gathers, airborne, unformed and waiting
east forgiveness; right doesn’t matter
Gently settle down into your heartspace
you begin to see, really see this soul
you have heaped blame, guilt and anger upon
and when you look in their eyes from your peace
your choice to fix from within brings magic
Thank you for this, Laura! I'm going to do the same thing with your piece as I did to Ruth's above. I'm going to take away words and ask that you "refill" them with something else. But before I do that, I'm going to ask that you do an imagery exercise that might help you come up with striking details:
DeleteCreate three columns on a piece of paper. In Column One, write down twenty-five inanimate objects.
Column Two: write down the first animal that comes to mind when you think of the object in Column One. (Consider shape, movement, sound. A bullet is about the size of a cockroach, or it moves swift, like a shark or digs through skin, like a mosquito.)
Column Three: sounds or actions that animal makes.
Once you’ve completed all three rows, omit Column Two, and use Column Three to help give your objects character.
Create a line or poem that includes your combos.
For example:
wine glass / monkey / screech, hang, swing, play
eye / snail / crawl, slime, munch, lug
can become:
The woman gripped
her screeching wine glass
as her husband’s eyes
crawled across
the cleavage in the room.
_ _ _ _
Now for the erasures:
_____________ into your heartspace
feel the glow __________ awareness
watch your ____ emotions ____, __________
_____ the need to control everything
now release the need to be understood
Gently settle down into your heartspace
beginners mind will serve you well today
can you ____ the mirror and ___ you?
let judgment ______________
you avoid giving power to your wounds
Gently settle down into your heartspace
joy, a seedling, _______________________
a simple surrender means everything
old patterns beckon, draw blood and remorse
you set yourself straight again and again
Gently settle down into your heartspace
______________________________ laughter
old issues breathe and look small in the light
trust gathers, airborne, unformed and waiting
east forgiveness; right doesn’t matter
Gently settle down into your heartspace
you begin to see, _________________
you have heaped blame, guilt and anger upon
and when you ______________from your peace
your choice to ____________ magic
Laura, you have many great moments in this peace. If you want, consider breaking the form so you can write whatever you want. Well done!